I think it’s about time I posted another poem from Songs of Love and Grammar, the silly book of rhymes about grammar and romantic difficulties which I wrote a few years ago. This one focuses on the “restrictive which.”
Allow me to explain. Let’s say you have a noun that’s modified by a subordinate clause: “the cake that I ate” or “the cake, which I ate.” If there are several cakes, you specify which cake you’re talking about by using a restrictive clause: “the cake that I ate” (not a different cake that I didn’t eat). If there’s only one cake you could be talking about, and you just want to give a bit more information about it, you can do so with a nonrestrictive clause: “the cake, which I ate.”
It’s more common in North America to use that rather than which for restrictive clauses (the cake that I ate rather than the cake which I ate), but which is normal in England and elsewhere and many people use it in North America. The thing that really makes the difference between the two kinds of clause (in print) is the comma: with a comma (the cake, which I ate), it’s nonrestrictive; without (the cake which I ate), it’s restrictive. This poem is for those people who think the restrictive which doesn’t exist. Oh, yes, it does…
The restrictive witch
There is a certain house which sits upon a shady street
and in it lives a person which you may not want to meet.
She has a cloak and hat which she is never seen without
and owns a darkling cat which likes to yowl and prowl about.
And there is one key thing which makes this witch a cause of fear:
she has a special magic which she does to those who near.
Whatever thing she catches which is single of its kind,
she makes it simply that which is like others you may find.
This is an operation which she does with neat precision
by writing sentences which are subjected to excision
of one small curly mark which serves to separate the noun
from modifying phrase which newly serves to tie it down.
No longer have you just one job, which pays you well, to work;
your job which pays you well shares time with other jobs which shirk.
You had a dent, which is not big, alone upon your car;
now by the dent which is not big sit other dents that are.
Your marriage, which is happy, soon will find it’s not alone –
your marriage which is happy won’t be when the rest are known.
Your ring, which says Eileen, will lead Eileen to know your games:
your ring which says Eileen shares space with rings with other names.
It’s bad enough to have one bad divorce, which is near done;
the bad divorce which is near done awaits another one,
and though one lawyer’s bill, which could be worse, is not a lot,
the bill which could be worse is stacked with others which could not.
And all this loss which is not fair comes not from peeve or itch;
it comes from lack of caution with that bad restrictive witch.